The Opinions of Severus Snape
by Veggie-runt
Summary: Story of Harry Potter, at a different angle. AU
1. The Drop off and a Hit and Run

**The Opinions of Severus Snape**

By Veggie-runt and her friend  
  
**Author's note**: I do not own Harry Potter but if I did, Snape would be mine! MUHAHAHA! (Veggie-runt)

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The nights were dark that year. A small boy was the cause of all of it. Harry Potter, the start of years of turmoil. His green eyes traveled amongst the group of strangers, including myself.  
  
"Why should we be scared of this brat?" I scoffed. "He only has a scar on his head. No extra powers, nothing extraordinarily different. I refuse to treat this boy with any more respect than my mother just because he beat a lunatic as a toddler."  
  
Albus spoke up, "Severus, please, calm yourself. I am not requiring any special treatment, quite the opposite. Treat him like you would any student. Enough with the future which is so far away, let us talk about now. Who shall we give this treasure to?" I rolled my eyes to this, treasure? HA!  
  
"Why don't we keep him at the castle? That way we can protect him from everything!" I whipped my head around to look at the speaker, Professor McGonagall, like a dumb, yet loyal dog, but still a colleague.  
  
"Keep him at Hogwarts? Are you MAD? We have enough brats without having one over the summer?" I almost growled. Minerva opened her mouth to speak but Albus stopped her.  
  
"Professors, please, I have made my decision, no thanks to you. The boy has an aunt; she lives in a dumpster with her husband. They have a son Harry's age, a...playmate if you please. I figure we give them the kid, and money to get them out of the dumpster and get them into a home. It's something muggles call child support."  
  
"You mean place this boy in a dumpster? Please Albus, he's a STAR!" McGonagall said. That woman just can't keep her mouth shut!  
  
"I think it's a great idea, but do you really think any of us can afford this...child support? I think we should just leave him in a dumpster, any dumpster..." I broke off at Dumbledore's glare.  
  
"Severus Snape! You are a fool! Don't be so ignorant to what is around you. The Dark Lord is going to come back and only then will you see his worth." With that Albus slapped me on the head, and it hurt!  
  
"Albus! This is not the time, nor the place to be arguing. Just give me the boy and I will give him to his aunt." McGonagall intervened. So Albus reluctantly gave the baby to her, and all of a sudden, she started running. As I looked behind me I saw a large flying object come hurtling towards me.  
  
"Severus! Get down!" I heard Albus yell. Then I felt a sharp pain from my knees up.  
  
"HA! Twenty points Hagrid! Wait... Snape? FIVE HUNDRED POINTS HAGRID! Good job!" I heard a voice yell, definitely Sirus.  
  
I looked around; Dumbledore was on the ground, out of the way of the motorcycle. McGonagall was a little farther off. On the gigantic motorcycle was Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys at Hogwarts, and sitting behind him, one of my sworn enemies, Sirus Mildred Black. Speaking of black, next thing I knew, I had blacked-out! HA! Imagine that, what a coincidence! When I came around, McGonagall was kneeling over me, her wand out. Everyone else was gone.  
  
"What happened? Where did everyone go?" I asked, trying to sit up.  
  
"They went to deliver Harry and his first...what do they call it? Child Support? Anyway, don't try to sit up, eat this, it helps." She then stuffed candle wax in my mouth. Without thinking I swallowed, and I felt much better.  
  
"Get away from me!" I snarled, standing up. "I guess I can go back to the castle, get some REAL food!" And with a 'zionk', I apperated away.


	2. A Hair Tie and a New Job

**The Opinions of Severus Snape**

By Veggie-runt and her friend  
  
**Author's note**: Long time no write. It also seems that no one cares for poor Sevvy's view of things. Oh well! Their loss. Well, anyway, if you do HAPPEN to read this, please consider reviewing. It is like food to a hungry gorilla. O.o nevermind. Anyway, ENJOY! (R-chan in background Boxers or Briefs? The answer later in this chapter)

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Ten Years Later.........  
  
I am sitting here in my office when in comes McGonagall, screaming at the top of her lungs. "Bloody heck woman! What is your problem?!" I yelled. She stopped, looked at me, and started screaming again.  
  
Covering my ears, I left the office. It's not safe for me anywhere is it? I crawl to my room, the screams are killing me. Then she comes in.  
  
Severus! I lost my favorite hair tie!" McGonagall cried.  
  
"THIS is why you were screaming?!" "Yes" she replied. "And the fact that the children are coming tonight."  
  
"REALLY?" I said, sarcasm dripping in my voice, brushing a hand through my hair. It's really oily. Needs to be washed, oh well! My next bath isn't until spring.  
  
"Yes!" she screamed. Poor Minerva. She needs to get out more.  
  
"Boy Minerva, you need to get out more." Ha, that shut her up, for a bit.  
  
"Do you realize who will be arriving tonight Severus?" Sheesh, that glare gets a man's heart- scared- that's right SCARED!  
  
"Students Minerva. Little brats ready to learn something." "HARRY POTTER IS ARRIVING TONIGHT SEVERUS SNAPE!"  
  
I moaned. I was so sure that was not until next year. "Are you sure? I thought he was only ten."  
  
"He is eleven you numbskull!" she slapped me on the face.  
  
"Oy! What the bloody-burnin'-heck was that for?" I questioned. "For stealing my hair tie! Now give it back!"  
  
"Oooooh! Minerva, I wanted to wear it tonight, my hair has been bugging me all day! Please can I wear it? Please please please?"  
  
"Well, you can't have that one, but I have another pretty one you can borrow."  
  
"Really?" she nods, "THANK YOU THANK YOU!"  
  
I've never been so happy in my entire life! I get a pretty hair tie! What fun! Then I started to cry.  
  
"Sevvy? Why are you crying?" Minerva asked me. I didn't want to tell her, but I did.  
  
"I just wish my wife could be here!" I started to cry even harder.  
  
"It's okay Severus; I know it's been awfully hard for you after she just...disappeared? Wait! You never had a wife!" I ran.  
  
We ran from hall to hall, until my legs finally turned to Jell-O. "What is this?!" I was stuck.  
  
"I got you Severus! HA! And that spell can't be reversed until tomorrow. Have fun with the owls!" There she left me, in the owlry. Alone, confused, and hair-tyeless.  
  
Eventually, I fell asleep; a big, big mistake. When I woke up I was stripped down to my boxers, being licked by an owl. I never realized owls had tongues let alone tongues THAT long.  
  
"Severus! Get up and put on some pants! I have a new job for you." I scrambled up and pulled the on the clothes Albus had selected for me, but they were not what I was expecting- my usual black.  
  
"Headmaster! What are these- abominations?!" the clothes were black and white, vertical striped pants with a drawstring and shirt.  
  
"I said, I have a new job for you. Some of the students want to start a basketball team, and you're the only professor who knows the sport- because of your wife." I snarled at him.  
  
"You must be kidding me, not only would I have to wear this dreadful outfit, I would have to spend more time with those insufferable brats!" Seeing the look on Dumbledore's face, I turned my protests into coughs and made a weak smile at him.  
  
"Then again, I do love basketball!"


	3. First practice, falling pianos, and a wa...

** The Opinions of Severus Snape  
** By Veggie-runt and her friend  
  
**Author's note**: ha...don't you just HATE these things? Well, I must do a short disclaimer...ahem... The ideas for the dream dear Sevvie has later in the chapter come somewhat from The Princess Bride. In fact, this dream is the product of watching the movie while drinking much pop, eating a brownie, and writing. All at the same time! ; Now on with the weirdness!

* * *

Oh how I was wrong. Stupid children...how I despise them.  
  
"Foul again Potter!" I yelled at the boy-who-wouldn't-die-yet. "If you plan on playing against Shacklesworth School of Big-wigs you need to do this." I then showed him the trick I did when I was in my early teens. I hexed the...lets just say poo...out of the person blocking me and slammed the ball into the hoop.  
  
"That is how it's done Potter. Okay! Everyone get into groups of five." I waited until they were in groups, then I sprang on them (with words). "At least one of each house in a group. Weasley, you're in a group with Goyle. Potter, you and Malfoy. Granger, hmmm, you're with...oh just get in a group!"  
  
I felt like giving up...these brats were talent less, except for the Granger girl. She knew what she was doing, and by Joe did she do it well. I should really stop staring at her but her butt is just so...distracting.  
  
"I think we might have a chance." I muttered before being hit in the head. Gosh, my luck is just not with me these days, must be Rotter- I mean Potter...  
  
When I came back to reality, Hermione Granger was standing over me with her wand. Women just can't keep their wands off of me these days! "Granger! Put that wand away at once!" I sprang up and glared at her, taking deep, cleansing breaths.  
  
"Okay, alright, practice your hexes every day, every chance you get. Just don't tell anyone I told you that." I ran off, trying to figure out if we really had a chance...BAM!  
  
"Ugh not again- oh! Minerva! Fancy running into you!" Ok, breath, she doesn't know yet, now is the perfect time to tell- hang on! She is Dumbledore's! I smacked myself on the head, berating myself under my breath.  
  
"Severus? Are you quite alright?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, yeah, just fine, how are you? Did I hurt you? I hope not..."  
  
All of a sudden a large piano fell from the sky. Boy this is just not my day. Luckily, the piano itself did not hit me. Actually, only a few of the keys that had come loose did. Still it hurt like heck!  
  
A few keys later, I was on the floor in front of a sobbing Minerva. I did not see this though, I had blacked out...again.  
  
"Mr. Potter!" The boy-who-hadn't-died-YET had his wand out and was laughing uncontrollably.  
  
"Go get Madame Pomphrey IMMEDIETLY! And that is a hundred points from Gryffindor!" Oh dear, Minerva was MAD.  
  
Over in a darkened corner, a small figure with masses of bushy hair slapped herself. "I didn't deflect it completely. I am a FAILURE!" The figure started to cry.  
  
As the noise reached Minerva's ears, she turned her head. In the corner she saw the weeping figure of Hermione Granger. "Miss Granger, don't cry, oh, please don't." She wiped her own tears. "If you cry I will just start up all over again."  
  
"Yes Professor." Hermione stopped crying and rubbed her eyes. How I wish I could've been awake to wipe those tears- wait! Stop! She's too young you old pervert!  
  
"Would you like to come to the kitchens with me and get some tea and sandwiches?" Minerva asked, a smile gracing her aged face. "I would be honored Professor!" Hermione exclaimed.  
  
They then left down the hall together to get some tea, leaving me in the hall, all alone with my dreams.  
  
Dream Sequence  
  
(Narrator speaking) There once was a dominatrix named Buttcup, and she had a man servant named Wesley. All the time, she would make him do things so she could stare at his shapely buttocks.  
  
He never argued; he just did his work, of course after he said "I will do as you wish, I am your bitch."  
  
She would answer "Hell yeah!" with her crimped, brown hair blowing in the wind.  
  
They also lived with a rather slimy looking man, and his name was Severus Snape. He was also a man servant to Buttcup, but he never did as he was told. Thus, he was not well liked by the other man servants living there, but Buttcup, for some odd reason liked him, so he was allowed to stay.  
  
One day Buttcup decided that it was time to leave the farm, however erotic it may be, and buy a harem in the city.  
  
"Come now Severus, we must choose a dress for you to wear." Buttcup pointed to a window in the city with a beautiful silk green dress.  
  
"Why must I get that damned thing?" Severus questioned.  
  
"For the cross-dress night at the local pub. Everyone who is anyone will be there and I would like you to be my escort." she replied.  
  
This time, instead of insulting Buttcup's family (or lack thereof), he answered, "I will do as you wish, I am your bitch."  
  
In all honesty, he looked kind of excited for cross-dress night, but we won't get into that...  
  
Finally, cross-dress night came, and as Severus began his dance, a dorky man in a skirt walked in. As his eyes met Severus', one of those things happened, when the birds chirp at midnight and you fall in love.  
  
"Please, madam, my name is Princess Humpstink and I wish to marry you, if you'll have me."  
  
He looked at Buttcup, but she looked away. Severus did not notice the tears in her eyes, and since he thought she did not love him, he answered "Of course highness, but I am a man servant and you will have to pay Lady Buttcup for me."  
  
"No problem, and then you can be MY bitch!" Severus smiled and Princess Humpstink started to poke him, hard.  
  
End Dream Sequence  
  
"Wake up Severus! We have a game tonight!" I woke up; Hermione was poking me with her wand. I sat up, my eyes still closed, and she forced her tongue into my mouth. I was starting to enjoy it when I realized she had only put some medical candle wax in my mouth.  
  
"Miss Granger! Never disappoint- I mean, do that again. I am quite aware that we have a game, and I'd like you to come to my office and discuss strategy...and maybe being the team captain. But I only say that because you can hex somewhat decently.  
  
"But I practiced sir!" The boy-who-just-wouldn't-die protested as he came out of the shadows.  
  
"Potter, get out of my sight! Now, Granger, if you'll follow me..."


	4. A muffin man and The note

**The Opinions of Severus Snape**

By Veggie-runt and her friend

Author's Note: Again with the note! Arg...I feel somewhat sick...oh well! Hope this chapter fills your house with the gift of laughter. Enjoy!

* * *

"Miss Granger, for goodness sake, sit down!" Do I have to get her restraints? She won't sit still for one bloody second! The restraints might not be a bad idea...

"Do you always smile like that? It is quite frightening, and it kind of looks like you're-""What I am thinking is none of your business!"

"Okay professor, I just thought you might want to talk, you know, about your personal affairs... you look so preoccupied!" Damn, she's got my feelings nailed!

"Again, my personal business is of no matter to you." I softened my tone "I just wanted to say that I lov- love BASKETBALL, and potions, and certain professors and a girl with fluffy brown hair who's really smart-" I realized that I was rambling and broke off, hoping I hadn't said too much.

"Okay sir, I can't wait for our first real game, I'm gonna hex the hell out of those losers- I mean- uh..." she grinned sheepishly. "Sorry professor."

"That's quite alright, you're beaut- I mean..." my cheeks reddened, I wouldn't want to see my reflection. It must be painfully obvious that I'm blushing, since my skin is so pale.

"Professor? What were you saying?" She tilted her head to one side. Gosh, it just gets under my skin when she does that!

"Drink some of this." I pour some Truth Serum mixed with some other potion that makes a person tell the truth about their feelings about people.

Just as I was about to give it to Hermio-sweet-ne, Damn Dumblebutt came bursting in the room.

"Well, hello Severus, Miss Granger. Oh what's that? I'm parched." He grabs the goblet from me, and drinks it all down. I wince, this is defiantly going to be brutal.

"Granger, out, NOW!" She scurries from the room.

"I love the Muffin Man." Albus says seriously.

"The Muffin Man?" I question.

"Oh yes, the Muffin Man." Determined to find who this 'Muffin Man' is I asked "Who's name is Gilderoy Lockhart?"

"Yeah, Muffin Man is his cutey name! He's so sexy! And the way we-"This had to stop. "NO MORE! I don't need this information!" I take a drink from the goblet beside me. Then it came to me: That goblet had the truth serum!

"So Severus, who's your honey-bunny, hmm?" Damn that old coot to eternal hell! Can't he keep his mind from wandering?

"Let's see...uh...well, they call one the 'hexmaster' and the other the 'taskmaster' and they both are sexy as hell" Smooth Sevvy, Suave Sevvy, Sevvy Kickin' some Dumble- butt (I must've added some alcohol to that drink hmmm...)!

"Yes, but what are their names?" he questioned. "That's what I call them" man, I am a kick-booty liar!

"Oh right, I got it, their names are sacred, I understand you man. Love can do weird things to a man, like make him desire kinky-""ALRIGHT, I GET IT!" Deep breathing, in with the good (Minerva) and out with the bad (Albus and the muffin-stuffer).

"Headmaster, I am busy...with...cleaning." I grab a frilly apron and tie it on, and force a smile. "So if you don't mind..."

"Right, I'll be off...to make muffins!" He dashed out the door. Silly old man will probably want his lovey-dovey muffin man to teach next year, just so they can be close. Oh well! Not my problem.

Then, when I had just started cleaning my office, I found a lump in my apron. I tried to smooth it out, but it wouldn't. So, naturally, I looked to see why it was like that. I then found a note:

_Dear Severus,_

_I can't help loving you, so I decided I_

_should write to tell you. You know, not_

_everyone hates you, despite what you_

_think. Don't try to look for me, at this time_

_(your time I mean) I will not know my feelings._

_Just wait, and stay happy. I love your smile!_

_Love, your Buttcup_

Who knew someone loved me? I mean, I sure didn't. I wonder who it could be...I sat down to think about who my Buttcup was, and before I knew it, it was time for the basketball game to begin.


End file.
